*** For the one that got away ***
Dandelions grew like sunflowers
Tall and proud in the summer dirt
They danced upon the wind,
Bodies gracefully intertwined
Without a care
I remember only that you wore that God-Awful denim jacket
And too much Drakkar
I wore a solitary tear
You proclaimed that you would no longer participate in my
Unhappiness
Did you think I was unhappy on purpose?!
I didn’t cry to you about what
Could have….
Should have…
Might have been.
About the past-
About the future you had promised
About what lovely children we might bear
I didn’t claw your eyes out one by one
(Though every part of me desperately wanted to).
But maintained my composure
Biting my toungue and nodding my head slowly
You , my love , were such a hypocrite.
You were such a security blanket.
You left me standing in that field
With bloody wrists and too much xanax
Plucked from the earth by my very roots
Withering like a weeping willow
Out of breath and gasping for air
I watched you walk away so sure of yourself
You participated in the greatest sadness I will ever know
*** Ode to my Father ***
Death has called you out , by name
But you – So sure of yourself
you have achieved so much in this lifetime and many others
you laugh in the face of death and uncertainty..
you point your finger , so frail now
and you say immortality lies in all of us
in the children you’ve created
and in the name we will proudly carry on.
My brother , so young , so afraid
Wonders who will give him advice
Who will look on as he weds
He wonders simply who will scold him when he misbehaves.
And me , so selfish
Wanting it to be quick
To come easy
Wanting Him to take you tonight
So my heart will not break with every passing day
Watching you wilt away.
Struggling with all the things I should say
They are there, daddy , but I cant.
All the things I could do ,
But wont.
All the prayers I whisper
Knowing they’ll never be heard
And hoping you can hear every word
That screams out in my silence
*** Afterthought ***
There were things I wanted to tell you
Perhaps unimportant now,
But still , they sit on my tongue
And mercilessly , they burn.
Somehow, words get lost easily in the dark
And their meanings take new form
And they twist
And they turn
Until it’s just the sweat of you & I
And they have been forced again to non-existance.
Eventually , I would regurgitate them
To a casual “ I’ve missed you “
Or maybe even “ Fuck Me”
But the other ones,
They lay dormant as Death.
You , baby boy , would never know the difference
You have never wanted to know.
*** Vodka on the Rocks ***
Your flame is burning out
Like a red smear across my life
It was only good for a little warmth
And only for a very short time
Violent bloody dreams
With honey dripping scars
Bittersweet to taste
You sliced my finger like a papercut.
I want to crawl inside your veins
And lie down somewhere atop of
Your regret and the resin of anger.
Your bones were broken long ago
So you spilled to the floor
and curdled .
your kiss is a bruise that
stays with me,
upon my flesh
greenish-blue for weeks
and leaves me sore and blemished.
I want to live in your stomach
And feed off your heart.
You could be my umbilical noose.
*** Waiting for his call ***
Oh , surely you didn’t think I had forgotten so soon
The late night conversation??
I’m still plagued by it
It wasn’t enough for you
To tell me so vividly
How you remembered your childhood
or lack thereof
Those who hurt you as a child
Too young to even know it hurt
Or of your impending doom
And surely you didn’t believe
That it was beyond my comprehension?
I , too , have felt wooden paddles called love
And many nooses named desire
I , too , have felt them bite my jugular
And bleed me dry.
But you mislead me
With your kindness
Your intensity
How could you think it would not remain
Here upon my heart like infection?
How could you thinkthat it would not suffocate me
Beyond the depths of reason
Until it overcame me
Like a tumor?
Of all the men I have known ,
You complicate me most
Because I cant have you
Because I cant taste you
Because I cant be you
Because I cant break you
*** For Him , On the first day
***
You are so pure
So perfect
How did you ever survive?
Surely , you are not unscathed
For you are only mortal
But wonderful , regardless.
You have never known what its like to be
On the outside looking in
But you inspire me
You make me want to be
Pure
Perfect
Wonderful
You make me wish I was a better woman.
*** Celebrity ***
We are not so controversial
But mildly intriguing – at best
And we are so wrapped up in our superficial tragedies
We hang onto every word
Like lightning ; furious
Striking out at us from the sky
We despise the thunder
And we are subconsciously thanking the rain for falling
Like it was at our will.
We are not so simple
But simple-minded – at best
We are contradicting and compulsive
We seek out others, sick like us
We hang onto them with all that we’ve got
For all that we can get
And all that we become in their presence
And all that we forget in their embrace.
We aren’t newsworthy
Hell , we’re not even tabloid
We are just the products of
Ultra-egos on full display
Dressed in designer duds.
*** Anger is my Pen ***
Anger is my pen
On parchment paper
Spilling ink of yesterday
Telling all your secrets
Screaming words I never knew existed
A distant stranger
That speaks out against you
As an inner-child
That craves you
Demeans you
Loves you
and discards you
Just as easily as a broken fingernail
It flows freely until crumpled
in my trashcan
Prooded and picked like a scab;
Tired
You’re a poem never to be written
A song never to be sung
A feeling that overwhelmed me
Once upon a time
Even if only in my heart
*** If stars collide ***
Wash away my pain
With your beauty and your smile
My heart remembers
What our bodies once knew
Trust in me
Wholeheartedly
And I will never let you down
And I will never give you up
I want you to heal me
You are so powerful
I am covered in ash
And my heart is of soot
I know you can save me
Here in the night
There is a light inside of me
And it shines
I am eternal
And you are majestic
We can collide
We can explode
And leave particles of us somewhere in outerspace
Pour over me
Like lava
Burn upon my skin
Please overwhelm me
*** Infertility ***
It wasn’t always this way ..
There was life here before!
But many deaths have called to me
On dark and rainy December nights
Or random fuzzy summer days
Each death my own, indeed!
Beautiful in it’s own right
To love , worship and cherish
Each tragedy different yet morbidly exciting
I have tasted the tear and ash
Of a thousand men
All with their own crosses to bear
Their own wounds to nurse
And each one carrying with them
A bittersweet goodbye.
I’m so sorry you couldn’t stay
I’m so sorry you couldn’t love me
You are missed more than you know
The children I did not bear
Will graciously thank me
They will delight
In the life they will never have to live
Or the air so polluted they couldn’t breathe,
The dysfunction they will never suffer at my hands
Instead , they will lie dormant and still
Stagnant in my womb
Like old scars..
Feeding on the black moss of my uterus
Where only maggots and death reside.
They will feast at my ovary
On blood and bile
And I wont be a mother again
This year or next.
*** He knew ***
Even if , in the end
It wasn’t as beautiful
As I had hoped it would be
Even if , in the end
It proved to be much more than I could swallow
It was still warm and cozy for a little while
It was still a protective shell
From the rats or the snakes
Or the demons.
You , so even-tempered
You , so calm and dignified
Even in my fury
You , just being you .
And it was spectacular ,
In those final hours
To have loved , to have felt
To have hungered
And silently saluted the pain
In my throat
And your kiss on my tongue
And the numbness,
Whatever it was
*** Leaving your hotel ***
I have felt similar ways
Each time you inflict me
With a word , a touch , a glance
You have known your affect
Enough to carry on
And keep me hanging by a limb.
If I were drawn and quartered
I don’t think it would give you half as much satisfaction
As making love against my will
Nothing like pushing your obsession into me
When I don’t want it
I have known no simple way
To be with…or without you
Or even how to be alone
But you , darling
You know just the places I don’t want to go
And you don’t even hesitate.
*** Solution ***
Happiness is your heart
Beating thickly in my ear
Like a marching band.
Love
Tattooed upon your chest
In thick black ink
You don’t need to say a word, love
I hear you
I hear what you cant say
And I am okay with everything
You don’t have to be anything but what you are
The solution
To my obsession with heartbreak
I know that I could ask you a hundred times
And yet you’d refuse me
I love you for that
And countless other things
*** The death kiss ***
I have welcomed death at my doorstep
With open arms and open mind.
Not without regret or sorrow;
But knowing it was inevitable.
Knowing all deaths have a purpose,
And that’s salvation at it’s best.
I have kissed may poisoned lips,
With fever and lipstick-
Lips slightly spread apart
Cyanide breath, cold and shallow
I wanted to bleed them of their venom.
Did you break me on purpose?
I am not proud of what I am
I am not proud of what I have become
I am not angry at my mother
For forcefeeding me her morals til I vomited on the dining room floor.
I am not angry at my father
For walking away when he first heard the news.
I am not angry at them
for beating me with their beliefs
until my eyes swelled and bruised…
or even the strangers who hurt me when I was too numb to know it hurt
I am not angry at you , lover ,
For all the promises you’ll break or
All the tears I’lll shed
For all the times I will embrace my own non-existance
Because of you .
Mother - She saw them , you know , at age 4 …
(and I think again at 15)
The worms, of course…
As they were hollowing my heart
She let them feed and manifest
Leaving behind them only bitterness and bodies.
Now here I am , 25 ,
And you , you look at me like I’m beautiful
You wanted to share your life…but I offer only old scars.
I slit my wrists once,
And enjoyed it
But yet again , they pushed life into me.
They forced it upon me even when I no longer craved it .
Even when I rejected it with all that I had.
And the sorrow , the anger
You gave it back to me.to keep. To cherish . to hold.
It was only the beginning of the end.
It was only proof that I would go to the end of the earth for you .
You will love me forever
Or at least until I’m comatose again.
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