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poems

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*** For the one that got away ***

Dandelions grew like sunflowers

Tall and proud in the summer dirt

They danced upon the wind,

Bodies gracefully intertwined

Without a care

 

I remember only that you wore that God-Awful denim jacket

And too much Drakkar

I wore a solitary tear

You proclaimed that you would no longer participate in my

Unhappiness

Did you think I was unhappy on purpose?!

 

I didn’t cry to you about what

Could have….

Should have…

Might have been.

About the past-

About the future you had promised

About what lovely children we might bear

I didn’t claw your eyes out one by one

(Though every part of me desperately wanted to).

But maintained my composure

Biting my toungue and nodding my head slowly

You , my love , were such a hypocrite.

You were such a security blanket.

 

You left me standing in that field

With bloody wrists and too much xanax

Plucked from the earth by my very roots

Withering like a weeping willow

Out of breath and gasping for air

 

I watched you walk away so sure of yourself

You participated in the greatest sadness I will ever know

*** Afterthought ***

 There were things I wanted to tell you

Perhaps unimportant now,

But still , they sit on my tongue

And mercilessly , they burn.

 

Somehow, words get lost easily in the dark

And their meanings take new form

And they twist

And they turn

Until it’s just the sweat of you & I

And they have been forced again to non-existance.

 

Eventually , I would regurgitate them

To a casual “ I’ve missed you “

Or maybe even “ Fuck Me”

But the other ones,

They lay dormant as Death.

 

You , baby boy , would never know the difference

You have never wanted to know.

*** Ode to my Father ***

Death has called you out , by name

But you – So sure of yourself

you have achieved so much  in this lifetime and many others

you laugh in the face of death and uncertainty..

 

you point your finger , so frail now

and you say immortality lies in all of us

in the children you’ve created

and in the name we will proudly carry on.

 

My brother , so young , so afraid

Wonders who will give him advice

Who will look on as he weds

He wonders simply who will scold him when he misbehaves.

 

And me , so selfish

Wanting it to be quick

To come easy

Wanting Him to take you tonight

So my heart will not break with every passing day

Watching you wilt away.

 

Struggling with all the things I should say

They are there, daddy , but I cant.

All the things I could do ,

But wont.

All the prayers I whisper

Knowing they’ll never be heard

And hoping you can hear every word

That screams out in my silence

*** Waiting for his call ***

Oh , surely you didn’t think I had forgotten so soon

The late night conversation??

I’m still plagued by it

It wasn’t enough for you

To tell me so vividly

How you remembered your childhood

or lack thereof

Those who hurt you as a child

Too young to even know it hurt

Or of your impending doom

And surely you didn’t believe

That it was beyond my comprehension?

I , too , have felt wooden paddles called love

And many nooses named desire

I , too , have felt them bite my jugular

And bleed me dry.

But you mislead me

With your kindness

Your intensity

How could you think it would not remain

Here upon my heart like infection?

How could you thinkthat it would not suffocate me

Beyond the depths of reason

Until it overcame me

Like a tumor?

Of all the men I have known ,

You complicate me most

 

Because I cant have you

Because I cant taste you

Because I cant be you

Because I cant break you 

*** Celebrity ***

We are not so controversial

But mildly intriguing – at best

And we are so wrapped up in our superficial tragedies

We hang onto every word

Like lightning ; furious

Striking out at us from the sky

We despise the thunder

And we are subconsciously thanking the rain for falling

Like it was at our will.

 

We are not so simple

But simple-minded – at best

We are contradicting and compulsive

We seek out others, sick like us

We hang onto them with all that we’ve got

For all that we can get

And all that we become in their presence

And all that we forget in their embrace.

 

We aren’t newsworthy

Hell , we’re not even tabloid

We are just the products of

Ultra-egos on full display

Dressed in designer duds.

*** For Him , On the first day ***

You are so pure

So perfect

How did you ever survive?

 

Surely , you are not unscathed

For you are only mortal

But wonderful , regardless.

 

You have never known what its like to be

On the outside looking in

But you inspire me

You make me want to be

 

Pure

Perfect

Wonderful

 

You make me wish I was a better woman.

*** Vodka on the Rocks ***
Your flame is burning out

Like a red smear across my life

It was only good for a little warmth

And only for a very short time

 

Violent bloody dreams

With honey dripping scars

Bittersweet to taste

You sliced my finger like a papercut.

 

I want to crawl inside your veins

And lie down somewhere atop of

Your regret and the resin of anger.

Your bones were broken long ago

So you spilled to the floor

and curdled .

 

your kiss is a bruise that

stays with me,

upon my flesh

greenish-blue for weeks

and leaves me sore and blemished.

 

I want to live in your stomach

And feed off your heart.

You could be my umbilical noose.

*** The death kiss ***

I have welcomed death at my doorstep

With open arms and open mind.

Not without regret or sorrow;

But knowing it was inevitable.

Knowing all deaths have a purpose,

And that’s salvation at it’s best.

 

I have kissed may poisoned lips,

With fever and lipstick-

Lips slightly spread apart

Cyanide breath, cold and shallow

I wanted to bleed them of their venom.

 

Did you break me on purpose?

 

I am not proud of what I am

I am not proud of what I have become

I am not angry at my mother

For forcefeeding me her morals til I vomited on the dining room floor.

I am not angry at my father

For walking away when he first heard the news.

I am not angry at them

 for beating me with their beliefs

until my eyes swelled and bruised…

or even the strangers who hurt me when I was too numb to know it hurt

I am not angry at you , lover ,

For all the promises you’ll break or

All the tears I’lll shed

For all the times I will embrace my own non-existance

Because of you .

 

Mother - She saw them , you know , at age 4 …

(and I think again at 15)

The worms, of course…

As they were hollowing my heart

She let them feed and manifest

Leaving behind them only bitterness and bodies.

 

Now here I am , 25 ,

And you , you look at me like I’m beautiful

You wanted to share your life…but I offer only old scars.

 

I slit my wrists once,

And enjoyed it

But yet again , they pushed life into me.

They forced it upon me even when I no longer craved it .

Even when I rejected it with all that I had.

 

And the sorrow , the anger

You gave it back to me.to keep. To cherish . to hold.

It was only the beginning of the end.

It was only proof that I would go to the end of the earth for you .

You will love me forever

Or at least until I’m comatose again.

*** Anger is my Pen ***

Anger  is my pen

On parchment paper

Spilling ink of yesterday

Telling all your secrets

Screaming words I never knew existed

 

A distant stranger

That speaks out against you

As an inner-child

That craves you

Demeans you

Loves you

and discards you

Just as easily as a broken fingernail

 

It flows freely until crumpled

 in my trashcan

Prooded and picked like a scab;

Tired

 

You’re a poem never to be written

A song never to be sung

A feeling that overwhelmed me

Once upon a time

Even if only in my heart

 

*** If stars collide ***

Wash away my pain

With your beauty and your smile

My heart remembers

What our bodies once knew

 

Trust in me

Wholeheartedly

And I will never let you down

And I will never give you up

 

I want you to heal me

You are so powerful

I am covered in ash

And my heart is of soot

 

I know you can save me

Here in the night

There is a light inside of me

And it shines

 

I am eternal

And you are majestic

We can collide

We can explode

And leave particles of us somewhere in outerspace

 

Pour over me

Like lava

Burn upon my skin

Please overwhelm me

 

*** Infertility ***

It wasn’t always this way ..

There was life here before!

But many deaths have called to me

On dark and rainy December nights

Or random fuzzy summer days

 

Each death my own, indeed!

Beautiful in it’s own right

To love , worship and cherish

Each tragedy different yet morbidly exciting

 

I have tasted the tear and ash

Of a thousand men

All with their own crosses to bear

Their own wounds to nurse

And each one carrying with them

A bittersweet goodbye.

 

I’m so sorry you couldn’t stay

I’m so sorry you couldn’t love me

You are missed more than you know

 

The children I did not bear

Will graciously thank me

They will delight

In the life they will never have to live

Or the air so polluted they couldn’t breathe,

The dysfunction they will never suffer at my hands

 

Instead , they will lie dormant and still

Stagnant in my womb

Like old scars..

Feeding on the black moss of my uterus

Where only maggots and death reside.

 

They will feast at my ovary

On blood and bile

And I wont be a mother again

This year or next.

 

 

 

 

*** He knew ***

Even if , in the end

It wasn’t as beautiful

As I had hoped it would be

Even if , in the end

It proved to be much more than I could swallow

It was still warm and cozy for a little while

It was still a protective shell

From the rats or the snakes

Or the demons.

 

You , so even-tempered

You , so calm and dignified

Even in my fury

You , just being you .

And it was spectacular ,

In those final hours

To have loved , to have felt

To have hungered

 

And silently saluted the pain

In my throat

And your kiss on my tongue

And the numbness,

            Whatever it was 

*** Solution ***

Happiness is your heart

Beating thickly in my ear

Like a marching band.

 

Love

Tattooed upon your chest

In thick black ink

 

You don’t need to say a word, love

I hear you

I hear what you cant say

And I am okay with everything

 

You don’t have to be anything but what you are

 

The solution

To my obsession with heartbreak

I know that I could ask you a hundred times

And yet you’d refuse me

 

I love you for that

And countless other things

 

 

 *** Leaving your hotel ***

I have felt similar ways

Each time you inflict me

With a word , a touch , a glance

 

You have known your affect

Enough to carry on

And keep me hanging by a limb.

 

If I were drawn and quartered

I don’t think it would give you half as much satisfaction

As making love against my will

Nothing like pushing your obsession into me

When I don’t want it

 

I have known no simple way

To be with…or without you

Or even how to be alone

 

But you , darling

You know just the places I don’t want to go

And you don’t even hesitate.

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